Have A Little Faith

"In You our fathers trusted; they trusted, and You delivered them.  To You they cried and were rescued; in You they trusted and were not put to shame."  -Psalm 22:4-5

     Six months ago, a very dear friend told me that she believes God is trying to teach me something.  She said that we had such an unwaivering streak of bad luck that she had to believe it wasn't just a coincidence, she had to believe that there was an incredible lesson in there somewhere.  At the time I was too full of anger, pain, resentment, and defeat to agree with her faith.  At the time I just kept asking God why?  Why would He say He loves us, but yet put us through such heartache?  I had decided that He was too busy to tend to my family. 
     I was wrong though.  I still may not understand His lessons, and I may not understand His plan, but I do know that I have come through these past two years a different person.  I know that God was there holding my hand the entire time, as He continues to do today.  Things that would have bothered me in the past-stupid, petty things that really have no purpose-now have absolutely no effect on me anymore.  Perhaps when you get hit with such a long list of issues, you eventually learn what you can and cannot deal with, or what you will or will not bother with.  And it is truely amazing how still in the midst of heartbreaking ordeals just one stresser being lifted can make a world of difference.
     B is doing so much better.  Whether the meds they put him on are the reason, or just his basic acceptance of his situation adjusted his attitude, I may never know, but I don't really care.  It is just so nice having peace at home.  This is not to make it seem as though he is at fault.  He suffered real trauma.  He has real brain damage.  He is a true Veteran, and he is a true hero.  He tries to convince me that I don't know what kind of a terrible person I am married to, and I will never know the awful things he was forced to do in Iraq, but I do know without a doubt, that those things he had to do saved lives.  He saved lives.  No matter how he views himself in the past, the future, or in this moment, I am so proud to be his wife.  I am so unbelieveably proud to call him my husband.  He has had a really tough year.  He is battling PTSD, dealing with TBI's, and living with other more serious health issues and he still tries every day to be a better person. 
     My dad is still not doing well, but my sister is trying to help him the best she can.  I know how stressed out she is because I have been there.  I remember all the ER visits with him, talking to the doctors, and trying to reason with dad all at once.  Those are all difficult to do, and I am so thankful that she is there and willing to help him this time.  Most people don't have to cross this path until much later in life, and I started with it at 16 years old.  But now, at 27 years old, my sister is trying to battle with dad to keep him out of a nursing home.  If he can't do what he needs to to stay alive, we will have to put him in a nursing home.  And when I say "we" I mean my sister.  It is hard for me, but not like it is for her.  That kind of situation is all encompassing when you are the one handling it first hand. 
     We finally have the money we needed to pay the deductible to get the car fixed since the last drunk driver hit us.  Work is good, our home life is boring (thank the Lord!), our daughter can sing the 'ABCs', and I trust in God. 
     Never did I think that with all that is still happening I would come out and say that "Life is GOOD!"  But you know what?  Life isn't perfect.  Life isn't what we always want it to be, but life is great!  Life is a blessing, and I don't think we fully learn to appreciate it until we have been through some major trials.  There are so many people out there who have seen far worse times than I ever hope to see, and I am just so thankful that I am alive and that I have such a blessed life!

     I have found peace.  At least for now, I have an undescribeable inner peace and I am so thankful for that. 

     So I guess that is all for now.  I'm going to get off of here, keep on livin' life, and keep on prayin'.  I'll pray for you too, if you need.  Just let me know, and you'll be in my prayers.

Thanks for listenin!

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."                    -Isaiah41:10

Country Fried

"Don't let rocks in your boots keep you from walking tall."

     Life sure is funny, isn't it?  I was working the other day and my neighbor from Colorado walked in.  After talking to him for a few minutes about his parents, he left.  My co-worker asked me who he is and that started in on a new conversation about my "old life."  Horses.  Apparently he never would have guessed that I was a serious horseback rider.  And now?  Nostalgia.  There are days when all I want to do is sit back, listen to country music, and day dream about riding.  After my run-in with the distant past, my dreams of riding have intensified. 
     I love my life.  Sure, we've had our ups and downs, but all in all...I have a really great life.  But having horses would be heaven on earth!  I'm sure B feels this way about fishing, hiking, and the outdoors in general. 

    B has leave coming up in July.  I'm trying to convince him to head up to my mom's place for a couple of weeks so he can have time to go fishing and hiking.  I know he'd have a great time.  He's thinking about waiting until September, but really...why can't he go both times?  Life is too short to miss out on good things when you have the time.  Time is something he hasn't had much of over the past 11 years.  Cross your fingers that I convince him to go.  They have a catfish pond, live off a river, near a reservoir loaded with fish, and they have a boat to launch.  Plus, they would love to spend some time with him. 

    Anywho...things are quiet here.  And it's FABULOUS! 

That's all for now.  Just a quick update.  See ya'll later!

Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

AWOL

     Yep, I went AWOL for a little while on here.  Lots has happened, and nothing has happened.  Just lots of...stuff.  Anyways, really I don't feel like getting into it all again.  I suppose I should let you all know that B and I are doing well so far since everything that happened this weekend.  But one thing I have learned about myself is when I am down and out, I feel so much better when I try to do something good for someone else.  So...I'm taking this link from Kacy. 

     This week has been a complete nightmare for this family, and I can't even begin to fathom the immense amount of pain they are feeling right now.  They have triplets and one of the babies wasn't breathing when Mel went in to check on the kiddos.  There was no heartbeat, but she started CPR anyways, and was able to get her little warrior's heart beating again.  Well, I'll let you read about their struggles this week, and the outcome, but be prepared.  A fund was set up in Owen's name (the little warrior) to help the family pay the medical bills from this horrible week, and to help pay for the services to come.  As soon as we get paid and figure out our finances for the month, we are going to donate whatever we can.  I can't imagine this kind of heartache.  My heart goes out to this family, and I will be praying for them.  The link for the fund is: Owen's Blog. 
     I just can't imagine how in this time of pain this family is continuing to have faith, and is trying to do whatever good they can for others. 

     Well, that's all for tonight.  Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

S.O.S

"Learned helplessness is the giving-up reaction, the quitting response that follows from the belief that whatever you do doesn't matter." ~>Arnold Schwarzenegger

    Today I signed up with MilitaryOneSource.  I had no clue that they would do a counseling consultation over the phone.  Had I known this, I would have signed on months ago!  So for those of you military spouses who have little time to get into your primary care physician to get a counseling consult in order to begin counseling...look up MilitaryOneSource!  It was really easy.  Now I am set up for 11 counseling sessions with a counselor who has a background in what I am in need of, and her office is only three miles from my house. 
  
   My life has been quite the roller-coaster ride since we left Alaska.  Things weren't perfect after B came home from Iraq, but they sure as heck weren't this out-of-control.  One minute things are great and looking on the up-and-up.  Then I'm getting side-swiped by something upsetting.  This week was wonderful.  At least, I thought it was.  Then I find out from B that he had a good week, but I didn't.  So...I'm quite lost with that.  Apparently I have no motivation or a routine.  I feel like all I do is work, take care of Izzy, the house, the dogs, and everything else.  I wake up at 5:30 every morning, and do everything in the same order at the same time.  But...somehow that isn't a routine.  Yes, I do feel helpless because I have no clue what he is needing from me.  He continues to tell me that I need to find 'motivation' and a 'routine.'  Are you as confused as I am yet?

     Well, I certainly didn't mean to get into it that much, but this is why I am seeking counseling.  She also has a background in marriage counseling, so hopefully B will agree to come sometime in the future, but I'm not banking on it.  He is seeing several different types of doctors and has been since January-ish, so I don't want to make it seem like he isn't doing anything to better our situation.  And I have been told several times that it doesn't do as much good if only the person with PTSD has help, that family members need to have help as well.  I was also told a while ago that the man I married no-longer exists and I need to mourn the loss of my husband since he will never be 'that' person again.  Stubbornness has kept me from accepting this.  Still I refuse to believe that the kind, gentle, loving man I fell in love with doesn't exist, and will never return.  Flashbacks of that man come and go quick as a switch.  I don't expect him to be the same man that I married, but I do need and deserve a husband who treats me with respect and who loves me without a doubt.  Sometimes I know that he loves me, but more often than not, I wonder why he is still with me.  Is he still in love with me?  Or does he just keep me around so he can co-habitate with our daughter?  Those questions are just plain wrong. 

     Feelings of helplessness?  Yes.  But I still hang on to hope.  That seems to be all I have these days, and it's starting to dwindle.  Here's to hoping that this counselor can help me find myself again, and give me some insight into this nightmare we are living.

     Work is going really well.  I still love my co-workers/bosses.  They help me keep my sanity.  Starting next week I will be working full-time until the assistant manager returns from helping another store.  It will be so wonderful having a little extra money coming in!

     Tomorrow I have my first counseling appointment at noon.  Wish me luck!  And thanks for listenin!

"Always continue the climb.  It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it." ~>Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

Wonderful Me.

Catchin' Up

     No quotes for tonight.  Just me.  Just talkin.  It's been a bit since I last updated ya'll on how we're doing.
     B is doing much better this week.  We had one tough day, but really, who doesn't?  Otherwise, the man I married showed back up.  He helped me with housework, took care of Izzy while I was working, we went for a really nice drive (and had great timing with a firework show!!!)  Then we headed to the park with Izzy and one of our dogs.  He cooked us dinner a couple of times, and breakfast this morning!  Gah!  I love this man, and I have missed him terribly!  He has a doc appointment this week, and they may have a little more info about his Med-Boarding stuff.  I'll let ya'll know what we find out.

     I fixed the garbage disposal today.  B broke it this morning doing dishes.  He had the music up so loud he didn't realize that he left the disposal switch on, and....then it stopped working.  But me, the oh-so-handy Army Wife that I am, fixed it.  With the help of my momma. 

     Although our family has been doing really well this week, I do have some prayer requests if ya'll don't mind. 

    B came home the other day and said a soldier down here raped his 4 month old daughter and also gave her an STD.  I guess we're #1 in the country for sexual assualts on children.  Makes me sick.  But please, pray for that poor little girl.
    A friend of ours is due on Monday and she's miserable.  Pray for a healthy baby and healthy momma, and that the wee one comes SOON!
    And so many of our loved ones are deployed right now.  Pray for their safety and for their hearts while abroad.

    I came across this blog a few weeks ago.  Talk about a broken heart!  I cry everytime I read a post from her.  Reading her experiences has given me a new look on all of our recent struggles.  If you're ready for a good cry, head on over there.  She is the widow of a Marine who passed away over a year ago.  She just makes me want to try so much harder and just appreciate the fact that B is still here to fight with and to have tough times with.  Sometimes I just want to give her a big hug, and I don't even know her!

Thanks for listenin!

Wonderful Me

Food Stamps and Bed Time

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.  May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." ~>Unknown

     Man-oh-man are there a LOT of people on food stamps down here.  And it blows my mind because those who I would think would possibly need the help always pay cash or with a personal debit card.  Then I get these people about my age, who SEEM to be in perfect health....and they pay for their food items with a "Lonestar" card (aka, food stamps).  Now, I'm not pretending that I know their circumstances by any means, but it just seems like there are a whole lot of people using the system when they really might not need it.  And then there are those who actually DO need it, and they can't seem to get the help they need.  Come on, you and I both know that there are quite a few people out there who work the system so that they don't have to do any other kind of 'work.'  So I ask you why, in a city plentiful with jobs are there people who appear to be in better health than me living off food stamps?  And yes, you heard that right.  "A city plentiful with jobs..."  I have been told several times that there are many, many, many places hiring right now. But why would anyone get a job and earn $800 a month, when they can sit at home collecting $600 worth of food stamps instead?  I really have never understood how anyone with a conscience take, and take, and take when they CAN work.  Those who are ABLE to, but refuse?  Besides...I have always felt better when I have a job than when I don't.  I guess we are just two very different breeds of people.

     Izzy woke up this morning with a fever of 103.6.  I called in because I didn't know when B would be home from work, but he arrived back at home at 8:45 this morning, so I made it to work less than an hour late!  It was so great to be able to go in, and know that my two greatest loves were hanging out at home, taking a chill pill for a bit.  He has tomorrow off too, which works out perfectly (since she won't be going to Preschool until she is better) because I have work tomorrow from 8-2ish.  Her fever keeps spiking everytime one of her meds (motrin and tylenol) wears off.  If that continues tomorrow morning, B is going to run her in to the doctor to make sure it's not something more than a viral infection.  Then she'll have the whole weekend to R&R! 

     Things are great here!  We watched "How To Train Your Dragon" and it was really good!  Loved it!

Anyways, that's about all I have to say at the moment.  Ya'll take care now!

"Every human has four endowments-self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination.  These give us the ultimate human freedom...The power to choose, to respond, to change." ~>Stephan R. Covey   

Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

Impressions

"I have seen too much not to know that the impression of a woman may be more valuable than the conclusion of an analytical reasoner." ~>Arthur Conan Doyle

     Today was really great.  I worked from 8-1 with bossman and had several regulars recognize me.  In fact, one of them introduced me to his friend: "This is my friend Nicole."  Which I thought was funny.  Someone else told me I have beautiful eyes, and another one said that he likes coming in to my wonderful smile.  Man, I should have gotten a job sooner!  I think my self-esteem just jumped like 15 slots. 

     Izzy is doing well!  She's having fun at Nana's house, but I think she'll be coming home this weekend.  So she's starting preschool on Monday.  Already have her all signed up and everything!  I know my job will really only pay enough to pay for preschool and taxes with nothing left over, but I am really glad that she gets to go to preschool.  I grew up in preschool's and I think it is a wonderful experience for most children.  Izzy will do great there, just as she has in all the other preschools she has attended. 

     Well, today was pay-day so I think the hubs and I are going to have dinner together one time before Izzy heads home.  I'll catch up with ya'll later!

Thanks for listenin!

"If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression." ~>Jim Carrey

Wonderful Me

Workin' Girl

"For anyone who's ever won.  For anyone who's ever lost.  And for everyone who's still in there trying."  -->Working Girl Tagline

    So I finished day 2 (paid day 3) at my new job.  Yesterday was good other than being yelled at by a customer.  Sorry dude...it's not my fault you didn't have proper ID for those cigs.  The assistant manager and store manager were both working, and when he started yelling that he was going to call the cops on us for refusing him service, they came to the front and told him the same thing that I told him.  What was really funny about the ordeal, was that he kept telling me to call the cops for him.  Uh...no.  If you would like to call them, be my guest, but if you think that I am going to dial that phone for you, you're an idiot.  I work at a gas station, that does not mean that I work for you.  People are so funny, aren't they?
     Today was good.  Half my customers speak very little or no English, so my poor managers (and sometimes other customers) have to translate for me.  "No habla Espanol?  Por que?"  Better question, why are you in the US and you don't speak English?  At least no one has gotten short with me because of it that I know of.  

     I hope this doesn't sound like I am complaining.  I really do enjoy this job, and being out of the house has been fabulous!  My boss and bosslady are really quite wonderful, and I get all the free Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew that my little heart desires!  
     Well, I work at 8 tomorrow, so I better get off here so B and I can get started on a movie!  Thanks for listenin!

 "If you can speak three languages you're trilingual.  If you can speak two languages you're bilingual.  If you can speak only one language you're an American." -->Author Unknown

Wonderful Me

Bad Luck Charms

    

"A stout heart breaks bad luck." -->Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

     Yep.  That sounds about right.  I suppose you can say that at least our life is relatively predictable now a days.  B will not feel well, Izzy will go #2 twice a day, and once every two months our Honda Accord will be in a wreck.  Yeah, that definitly sounds right.
     So if you guessed it, B was in a wreck in our Honda Accord today.  That makes accident #4 since October.  If I were our insurance company, I would assume that the drivers were reckless.  But here's the countdown in case you missed out on all the fun!
1. Georgia, stopped at a red light, rear-ended by drunk driver.  B was injured and was the only one in the car.
2. Texas, driving in flat lands, boulder fell on car.  I was driving with Izzy in the back seat.
3. Texas, cut off by truck and ended up with a chip the size of a half dollar in my windshield.
   And this brings us to today.  B was turning around, and a drunk driver ran a stop sign.  The three men got out to see if B was okay.  They exchanged phone numbers, and B gave them our insurance info, but when he turned around to get there's, they took off.  So B called our insurance company, told them what happened, and later got ahold of the driver with the number he was given.  Turns out, the guy doesn't have a license and he wanted us to tell the insurance company that his girlfriend was driving.  Sorry dude, you took off.  And I feel no sympathy for you.  Driving with no license.  Drunk.  Then you take off?  Really?  Get real.

    Honestly I don't even get upset anymore.  B wasn't hurt.  We don't have to pay for damages.  Heck, maybe things really are starting to turn around for us. 

Well, that's all for now!  Thanks for listenin'!

"In bad luck, hold out; in good luck, hold in."  -->German Proverb

Wonderful Me

Lifes Changes

"Life can either be accepted or changed.  If it is not accepted, it must be changed.  If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted." -->Unknown

    Well, it is official.  B is getting med-boarded, and he is pissed.  For those of you who aren't "Military Fluent", that means he is being medically discharged against his will.  Fortunately he will be medically retired because of how long he has been in the Army.  According to the docs, he should receive 100% retirement and 100% disability.  We'll see if it goes through like that though.  Sure would help us keep on top of everything though.  
     Supposedly the whole process should take a year or so, but B says that if they're going to kick him out, he wants them to expedite it.
     I'm not really sure where we're going to go from here.  We've already moved across the country a few times within the past 12 months, so yeah.  Just like any other day really.  But, my mom is really excited for us to come up to Colorado and stay with her so B can help K with the haying and then go fishing whenever he wants.  Then I can go to Nursing School while she watches Izzy for me.  Sounds like a really good plan, if you ask me, but we'll have to see what B wants to do as well.
     Honestly I think this will be a blessing in the long run.  The docs told him that one more head injury could kill him, so I'm guessing the Army life isn't meant for him anymore.  Plus he shouldn't miss seeing Izzy for a year at a time anymore.  That's a big plus!
     Hopefully I'll get to work at my new job for a while before we have to move though.  Sure would be nice to get out of the house for a while and help bring in a little money.  That may just be me dreamin' though. 

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others."  -->Pericles

That's all for now!  Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

Skirts To The Wind

"I believe that everything happens for a reason.  People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -->Marilyn Monroe

  Ahh, Marilyn Monroe.  I quote her today because I felt like I was in a nightmare version of her photoshoot.  Stupidly, I decided to wear a dress today, and while waiting outside of the Municiple Building for B, the wind picked up.  And took my dress right along with it.  Lucky me, there were quite a few people gathered there today for court hearings  Wonderful.  

  You're probably wondering why I was waiting outside of the Municiple Building today.  B was pulled over and given a citation for speeding and no insurance (proof of insurance card was expired, but we have always had insurance) so I met him over there to give him a new POI card proving that we've had coverage at least since Dec. and it's valid until June.  He was given three choices:  Pay the fine, fight it, or go to defensive driving school.  He decided on the defensive driving school since it was $135 and the ticket would have been (with the insurance issue all cleared up!) $760.  And no, he wasn't driving at the speed of sound.  Nor was he jumping his car over traffic.  (I was asked both of these.)  He was going 16 over the speed limit.  Not really sure how that justifies a $760 ticket though. 

   Well, I think that's about all for today! 

"Ever notice how 'What the Hell' is always the right answer?" -->Marilyn Monroe

Thanks for listenin!
Wonderful Me

The Aftermath

"You should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat trivialities as if they were a disaster."  -->Quentin Crisp

   Slowly I have been learning to live by this quote.  Funny that this is the first time I have heard it.  Anyways, a couple of weeks ago there was the big government freeze scare about having our pay cut temporarily and all that jazz.  Well, my loving husband and I didn't agree with it by any means, but we didn't freak out about it.  We had issues with our pay back in January (some smarty in AK had put him down as AWOL even though we were on orders and he showed up to work every single day) and ever since we have had money in place just in case something were to happen to our pay for a few months.  Now, some of it would be on credit (we're not that far into our plan), but the bills would have been paid.  I don't know about you, but my FB page was flooded with outrage from friends about this ordeal.  Yes, it is a big deal.  Yes, it is an outrage.  Yes, it is our place to speak up and tell our government when they are in the wrong.  But ever since Obama post-poned the final decision for a week later, nothing else popped up.  So in order to prepare financially for what was to come, I searched through the web and FB trying to see what the final decision was.  Finally I found my answer on the DFAS FB page.  So my question to all of you, my dear faithful readers, is why do so many people speak up when we're on the virge of "disaster" but when the dust clears, all is silent?
     I suppose I just found this interesting.  Had I posted about it, I'm sure that once I found my answer that all is good for now, I would have posted something about being relieved that we wouldn't have to use up our financial life-lines on a government "budget" issue.  Seriously.  Who does that?  Still blows my mind that our friends in AK who are heading to Afghan soon received letters telling them that even if they don't get paid, they are still required to deploy.  Makes me sick that the government thought far enough ahead about this to send out letters.  At least it looks like it didn't go through for now.
    
     On to other news: I started my daily devotional today.  It's about time, really.  I have been preparing for this for a few months now.  Why is it that all too often God is given the back seat?  I'm wrong in doing so, but I feel as though I'm on the right track now.  Things are looking up for us.  We've been spending a lot of time with one of B's co-workers (and new best friend!) and his pregnant girlfriend.  It has been wonderful.  His friend loves ALL sports just as much as he does.  As some of you know, B loves to cook an try out new recipes.  This friend does too!  So I have been eating A-MAZING food!  And his girlfriend is really sweet.  She's in the Army too, she's a nurse in the labor and delivery recovery ward. 
     He's one of the few people B has met with more time in country than he has.  B has 44 months, and I think his friend mentioned that he has 48 months.  Those are both crazy amounts of time to be in another country being shot at, blown up, etc. 
     I thank God everyday for bringing B home to me safe through all those deployments.  And I'm so thankful that he won't be deploying anytime soon.

Sorry, got off on a tangent.  Well, before I wrap this up, I have a fun fact for ya'll!  When pink and blue were originally assigned to genders, it was reversed!  Pink was for boys because red was a masculine color and pink is a derivitive of it.  Blue used to be feminine because it was the color used for the Virgin Mary.  So add that to your "tough enough to wear pink" t-shirt stock pile!

Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

"There's no disaster that can't become a blessing, and no blessing that can't become a disaster." -->Richard Bach

Brave Lil' Toaster

"If you think you have it tough, read history books."  --> Bill Maher

     The title of this entry has nothing to do with me.  Although lately, I have found that I'm not so down and out about everything.  Perhaps you can call it acceptance?  At least I will.
     No, the title of this blog I am dedicating to my dear, dear friend Kacy.  This isn't the first time that I have written about her, but I find inspiration from her.  She inspires me in my faith, attitude, and life in general.  She's had some not so good luck since her recent PCS move, and yet, she trys with all her might to chin up.  Find the good.  Where's the silver lining?  And if all else fails, she just finds comfort in her boys.  So--Kacy, I know you're reading this.  This is to you, my brave lil' toaster!

     On to other news:  I think I may have landed a job today!  And it's actually the job I have been hoping for.  Here's a little background.

     In February, I applied for a job at a local gas station.  I had been talking to the manager, but my application had some issues submitting, but at least I had developed a report with the him.  Once everything went through, he told me that I am the person he wants to hire, but he needed to figure out when he could do a 1st and 2nd interview with me and his boss.  This whole process took almost a month!  So while waiting on the call for a job interview, I headed to CO so that my lil girl could spend sometime with my mom before things get crazy busy.  While up there, I received a call, and a date was set for my interview.  In all the commotion that happened these past few weeks, I had to cancel the interview since I wasn't going to be in town for it.  Well, finally everything settled down, and I just assumed he had hired someone else since it had been so long.  I went into the store to apologize for missing my interview (I did call and cancel it though) since I knew he had gone out on a limb for me.  Come to find out, he held the job for me!  He held the job for THREE WEEKS!  Crazy, huh?  Well, I talked to him on Friday, and today I had my interview with his boss (we just bi-passed the 1st interview altogether), and his boss said it was his choice.  He said that he wants to hire me, he just has to push my background check through!  I am super excited about working again!  It has been a long time coming!  GAH!  I miss the workforce so much!

     I know some of you mght be thinking, "Really?  A gas station?"  And my answer is yes.  A gas station.  The hours work perfectly with daycare hours, the manager is willing to work with me, there's a lot of room for advancing within the company, and they pay for college!  I can't wait to get started, and send my sweet baby girl off to preschool.  She's gonna love it too!

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."  -->Robert H. Schuller 

Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

Midnight

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life.  Comes into us at midnight very clean.  It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands.  It hopes we've learned something from yesterday."  --->John Wayne

     What is it about the begining of each day that inspires me to write?  Perhaps it has everything to do with my inability to sleep.  Or maybe it has nothing to do with my sleep troubles but rather my troubles in general. 
     B says that I have "issues" that I need to work through, and in the meantime, they're making him overly tired.  And you know what?  I think he's right.  I do have "issues."  Although, our definition of "issues" is probably different. 
     It's funny that the times when we need a hug the most, the person we need one from is on the opposit page.  He's tired.  I'm tired.  Again, opposing reasons.  He's tired because he thinks I'm being too needy, I suppose.  I'm tired because I've been bottling up everything for far too long.
     Every morning I wake up thinking that everything that has happened has just been one nightmare after another.  Honestly, it has been, only when I wake, this is also my reality.  Our reality.

.....so I'm guessing this is what depression feels like. 

Personal Attack

     Here it is, 1:53AM and I have been ridding my house of MAGGOTS!  Yes, you heard me right.  MAGGOTS.  As in, those nasty, white, creepy crawlies that you associate with dead animals, and dirtiness.  I keep my house clean all the time!  Heck, I even move all my furniture everytime I wash the floors...which happens a FEW TIMES A WEEK!  So how on Earth did I end up with maggots all over my downstairs?!  YUCK!  It took me a little bit to figure out where they were coming from, and they were UNDER my trashcan.  Which, by the way, was emptied TWO DAYS AGO.  There is no food in it either!  I don't understand!  How did this happen?

     So all I am doing is sweeping, (flushing maggots), and bleaching my floors.  I threw the trashcan in the dump.  First thing in the morning, the maintanence man is going to call the exterminator to have him spray down my house.  I'm supposed to be heading to my mom's early in the morning to spend a couple of days with her, and then bring my daughter back down.  I didn't leave tonight so that I could get a little sleep before the 600+ mile drive to her house.  Now that's not going to happen!  I'm going to spend the rest of my night bleaching the entire house.  I haven't seen a new maggot in a little over an hour, so I'm hoping that I got to them soon enough that they aren't going to take over my whole house.
     What if my daughter had been here?  What if they had gotten into the laundry and ended up in her bed?  What if I hadn't found them before I left for CO?  They weren't even IN the trash, they were UNDER it.  What sense does that make?  Even once I get my whole house cleaned, and I take a nice hot shower, I still won't be able to sleep because I know I'm going to have the creepy crawlies all night!  There were so many of them!  It definitly could have been worse, but still!  Really?  I mean, really?!
     So I'm going to say this one time:  Lord, I love You and I appreciate all You are, but my family has had enough!  I can't take on anymore!  I'm at my wits end.  Please, PLEASE bring on some calm for us soon!  Thank You Lord!  In Your name, AMEN!

Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

Recovery

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."     ~Maria Robinson

     This is the aftermath of our great storm.  I have done quite a bit of soul searching and have decided some things need to change.  Finally I splurged on that Women's Devotional Bible that I have had my eye on for months.  In reading from the Bible daily, I will also journal on my thoughts, feelings, and lessons learned.  Tomorrow begins my search for a local church.  Four years is far too long to go without a church home and family. 
     My mom told me that when my grandmother was putting her will together, she asked the lawyer if she should include my grandfather's children in her will since he included her children in his.  The lawyer told her that he has seen some people split everything equally, while others seperated out their belongings how they felt it was due.  He said that when the children of those who left their belongings unequal asked him why they didn't get what they thought they should have, he told them that perhaps they weren't the son or daughter they thought they had been.  Perhaps I haven't been the child of God that I should be, and I'm taking active steps to change that.
     Tomorrow I will begin reading a book my uncle told me about.  It is called "I am not but I know I am."  He said that it would probably be beneficial to me, so I'm going to take his word on that, and read it.
     We have had a pretty good recovery so far and I am praying that we continue in the direction we're currently headed.
     I love B more than I ever thought it was possible for a woman to love a man.  He is my exception and shall be treated as such.

"Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of beginning. Probably that's why we decide we're done. It's getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that often something strong comes out."    ~Natalie Goldberg

Thanks for listenin'!

Friendly,

Wonderful Me

Silence

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher

     I have been MIA for a while now.  I apologize for disappearing without notice.  Life in the Military is...hard.  My life as of late can be described as a long beaded necklace.  Each bead represents another area of my life/emotions/reality.  And one day someone came along and just cut the string.  Now I am scrambling around trying to grab all the beads as they scatter a hundred different directions.
     Everything I knew to be fact now appears to be a suggestion.  The man I know and love is hurt, sick, lost, and unrecognizable.  He wears the mask I fell in love with.  Who is this person I fall asleep next to at night?
    I caught a glimpse of my husband, my soldier a few weeks ago.  A flash of someone familiar.  And just as quickly he disappeared.  Now I sit by helpless, lost, confused.  Making important, life-altering decisions has become an impossible task.  Just when I think I've had enough and I'm done, I'm pulled back by my love for him.  You set up boundaries and guidelines that typically are upheld to the highest degree, but then a secret stalker whispers in your ear.  PTSD.  Brain trauma.  Three deployments.  Seeking help.  Don't leave.
     Hush-hush is the typical response.  Family torn apart, but expected to keep a stiff upper lip.  No one needs to know that our family is hurting, that we're struggling.  And why?  Rank.  Career.  Job stability.  Gossip.  Judgement.  Or as my grandfather used to say, "Don't air your dirty laundry in public."
    Suffering in silence isn't possible for me anymore.  My family is hurting.  And the beads just keep falling. 
     And just when I need God the most, I feel utterly alone.

     Thank you to my friends and family who have listened to me, comforted me, and offered up support without judgement.  I love you, and I am greatful to have you in my life. 

    "How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these."
George Washington Carver

Thanks for listenin!

Fat Lazy Cabbage

"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education." 

                                                            --> Mark Twain

     Today I tried my hand at making a recipe that my mom sent to me.  It's called 'Lazy Cabbage,' and since you cook it in the Crock Pot, I figured it was right up my alley!  And I was wrong.

      I started out okay.  I mean, at least I had all the ingrediants. 
       Step 1) Shred 1 head of cabbage.......how do you shred cabbage?  Thankfully I had my dear  friend on  the phone at the time.  She googled 'how to shred a head of cabbage' for me. 
       Step 2) Brown hambuger, onion, and taco seasoning. 
  So I did so.  And then asked K "How can you tell if the hamburger is brown when the taco seasoning already turned it brown?"  She told me that you brown the hamburger FIRST.  Oops.  How was I supposed to know that?  It's not like anyone really reads the instructions on the back of the envelope. (This is why I call it 'Fat' Lazy Cabbage.  I didn't drain the grease.
       Step 3) Mix all ingrediants in Crock Pot and let cook on low for 5-8 hours.  Check.

    It really didn't turn out so bad.  It needed more garlic salt...but it wasn't bad.  Not too shabby for a three stepper, right?

"I just get all jacked up when we start cooking."  --->Terry Kath

Thanks for listenin'!

Friendly,

Wonderful Me       
      

I said, "Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take"

"Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."   --->Miguel Angel Ruiz 

     Izzy had her doc appointment today.  She is a little over three feet tall, 28 pounds, and seems to be healthy.  B was actually able to come to this appointment!  We mentioned Izzy's random 3-4 AM sickness and he's relatively concerned about it.  He started her on antacids just in case, but he also wants to do a CT Scan to make sure that she doesn't have some pressure in her head.  And, he's doing another test to see if it's a heridatory disease that causes ulcers and gastrointestinal problems.  I'm so glad that for ONCE I didn't have to fight with a doctor about her well-being.  It seems like docs these days have a high degree of "I don't give a blank" factor.  It's such a shame.
     So I have to admit that while we were at the doc office, I was really confused why a bunch of people had this black mark on their foreheads.  In fact, the first person I saw with it, I thought it was like a birthmark or something of the sort.  But once you see about 30 more people with the same "birthmark" you start to realize it was probably put there intentionally.  So I thought to myself, "Nicole, what holiday would cause people to have a black cross on their foreheads?  It kind of looks like ash.  Wait, isn't today Wednesday?"  At least I know my post-child bearing brain cells are still relatively useful! 

     Well, that's about all folks!  Have a wonderful rest of your day!

The wounded surgeon plies the steel
That questions the distempered part;
Beneath the bleeding hands we feel
The sharp compassion of the healer's art
Resolving the enigma of the fever chart.

--->  T. S. Eliot

Thanks for listenin'!

Friendly,

Wonderful Me

 

Ninja Momma

"A daughter is a mother's gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of her self.  And mothers are their daughters' role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships."  ~Victoria Secunda

     My mom is a ninja. 
   I realized this earlier today when I was talking to her about my two year old daughter.  She was shocked that Izzy was refusing to take a nap considering she woke up vomiting at 4AM this morning.  She told me I should go lay with her until she falls asleep, and then sneak out. 
   For as long as I can remember, my mom has been a master at doing things while I have been sleeping without waking me.  Whether she was playing tooth fairy, or just promised to lay with me until I fell asleep...I never woke up.  Not once.  I have even watched her do this with Izzy.  Perhaps I am just clumsy, but I honestly think my mom was a ninja in a past life.
   What a wonderful way to start out a day, don't you think?  Vomiting.  My poor little girl.  This isn't the first time since we moved to TX that this has happened.  She doesn't have a bug or the flu.  My guess is she is having trouble with acid reflux or it's nerves.  My husband struggled with both growing up, and come to find out, so have many others in his family.  We have a doc appointment scheduled for her this week for a physical to okay her for preschool.  I'm definitely going to bring this up with her doc.  My biggest fear is that she might asperate one of these times.
   Izzy finally fell asleep about 45 minutes ago.  I know she was tired.  I am too.  But, I should probably get back to the laundry.  She threw up on quite a few things this morning.

  "A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."  ~Washington Irving

Thanks for listenin'!

Friendly,

Wonderful Me

 

Sunday Funday

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

                                                                                         -->Proverbs 3:5-6

     Earlier I was reading my friend's blog and found out that her and her hubbie found a new church in their new town.  I truely admire her love in the Lord and her desire to be with Him in His House on Sundays.  Even when we were all stationed in Alaska together, she was adamant about going every weekend.  Her faith and her perseverence inspires me to be a better Christian woman.  We've had a really tough year and instead of seeking refuge with the Lord, we have just trekked on alone.  My hubbs is a lot better about keeping in touch with the Lord than I am...but church offers more than prayer alone. 
     We went to B's family's church in NC and the sermon was speaking directly to us.  The Preacher Man (also B's cousin) spoke about when times get tough, ask not "what's next?"  Talk to the Lord and ask for relief.  Tell Him you are at the end of your strength and that you need His help and His love.  I'm thinkin' it's time to seriously start the church search! 
     Peace be with you!

Friendly,

Wonderful Me

"Those of steadfast mind you keep in peace—because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God you have an everlasting rock."

                                                                   -->Isaiah 26: 3-4

The Texas Chapter

     "The real name of Texas is…BAJA OKLAHOMA"
         ~~>>A special something for those of you I know from Texas :)
                 (...and that means you, Ben)

     Welcome to my new blog!  Yes, I know, I only had a couple of short posts on my other blog about NC, but we just weren't there long enough! 
     Do ya like my new title?  Okay, so it is slightly dramatic, but hey!  After the last six months we have had, I suppose I'm allowed to be a little dramatic. 
     El Paso really isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  We moved here December 1, 2010 and so far we've only had our Christmas puppy stolen out of our yard, a rock smash my windshield (it literally came out of nowhere), and two men tried to break into my back yard while my hubs was at work.  Not too shabby if I say so myself!  On the other side of the fence, my neighbors are wonderful!  They scared off the men, and helped me look for my stolen puppy.  My Uncle's step-daughter and her family live down here and are a GOD SEND (thank you Jesus!), I (somehow) started a team for the "Race For The Cure" of about 12 people (thanks to a lady I met online) who raised over $700 in one week!, my family only lives nine hours away, and I might have a job lined up!
    It seems as though the Army wives down here have a lot more going on than the majority of the ones I knew in Fairbanks, AK.  Perhaps it's because they're a little closer to civilization, but regardless of why, it's quite encouraging.  I am really getting pumped up to start college and get a real career started.  If I get this job, they even help their employees with furthering their education!  (I might even take up Spanish classes) Keep your fingers crossed that they hire me!
   A few weeks ago they practically declared a state of emergency due to the weather, but I'm convinced that should have been done a while back due to bad drivers but -7 feels like home to us!  I have decided that was God's way of welcoming us to Texas.
   Well, I better wrap this up, but if anyone has advice for this borderland refugee newly Texas resident, by all means...SHARE!

Thank you all for listenin'!

Friendly,

Wonderful Me