S.O.S

"Learned helplessness is the giving-up reaction, the quitting response that follows from the belief that whatever you do doesn't matter." ~>Arnold Schwarzenegger

    Today I signed up with MilitaryOneSource.  I had no clue that they would do a counseling consultation over the phone.  Had I known this, I would have signed on months ago!  So for those of you military spouses who have little time to get into your primary care physician to get a counseling consult in order to begin counseling...look up MilitaryOneSource!  It was really easy.  Now I am set up for 11 counseling sessions with a counselor who has a background in what I am in need of, and her office is only three miles from my house. 
  
   My life has been quite the roller-coaster ride since we left Alaska.  Things weren't perfect after B came home from Iraq, but they sure as heck weren't this out-of-control.  One minute things are great and looking on the up-and-up.  Then I'm getting side-swiped by something upsetting.  This week was wonderful.  At least, I thought it was.  Then I find out from B that he had a good week, but I didn't.  So...I'm quite lost with that.  Apparently I have no motivation or a routine.  I feel like all I do is work, take care of Izzy, the house, the dogs, and everything else.  I wake up at 5:30 every morning, and do everything in the same order at the same time.  But...somehow that isn't a routine.  Yes, I do feel helpless because I have no clue what he is needing from me.  He continues to tell me that I need to find 'motivation' and a 'routine.'  Are you as confused as I am yet?

     Well, I certainly didn't mean to get into it that much, but this is why I am seeking counseling.  She also has a background in marriage counseling, so hopefully B will agree to come sometime in the future, but I'm not banking on it.  He is seeing several different types of doctors and has been since January-ish, so I don't want to make it seem like he isn't doing anything to better our situation.  And I have been told several times that it doesn't do as much good if only the person with PTSD has help, that family members need to have help as well.  I was also told a while ago that the man I married no-longer exists and I need to mourn the loss of my husband since he will never be 'that' person again.  Stubbornness has kept me from accepting this.  Still I refuse to believe that the kind, gentle, loving man I fell in love with doesn't exist, and will never return.  Flashbacks of that man come and go quick as a switch.  I don't expect him to be the same man that I married, but I do need and deserve a husband who treats me with respect and who loves me without a doubt.  Sometimes I know that he loves me, but more often than not, I wonder why he is still with me.  Is he still in love with me?  Or does he just keep me around so he can co-habitate with our daughter?  Those questions are just plain wrong. 

     Feelings of helplessness?  Yes.  But I still hang on to hope.  That seems to be all I have these days, and it's starting to dwindle.  Here's to hoping that this counselor can help me find myself again, and give me some insight into this nightmare we are living.

     Work is going really well.  I still love my co-workers/bosses.  They help me keep my sanity.  Starting next week I will be working full-time until the assistant manager returns from helping another store.  It will be so wonderful having a little extra money coming in!

     Tomorrow I have my first counseling appointment at noon.  Wish me luck!  And thanks for listenin!

"Always continue the climb.  It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it." ~>Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

Wonderful Me.