Silence

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher

     I have been MIA for a while now.  I apologize for disappearing without notice.  Life in the Military is...hard.  My life as of late can be described as a long beaded necklace.  Each bead represents another area of my life/emotions/reality.  And one day someone came along and just cut the string.  Now I am scrambling around trying to grab all the beads as they scatter a hundred different directions.
     Everything I knew to be fact now appears to be a suggestion.  The man I know and love is hurt, sick, lost, and unrecognizable.  He wears the mask I fell in love with.  Who is this person I fall asleep next to at night?
    I caught a glimpse of my husband, my soldier a few weeks ago.  A flash of someone familiar.  And just as quickly he disappeared.  Now I sit by helpless, lost, confused.  Making important, life-altering decisions has become an impossible task.  Just when I think I've had enough and I'm done, I'm pulled back by my love for him.  You set up boundaries and guidelines that typically are upheld to the highest degree, but then a secret stalker whispers in your ear.  PTSD.  Brain trauma.  Three deployments.  Seeking help.  Don't leave.
     Hush-hush is the typical response.  Family torn apart, but expected to keep a stiff upper lip.  No one needs to know that our family is hurting, that we're struggling.  And why?  Rank.  Career.  Job stability.  Gossip.  Judgement.  Or as my grandfather used to say, "Don't air your dirty laundry in public."
    Suffering in silence isn't possible for me anymore.  My family is hurting.  And the beads just keep falling. 
     And just when I need God the most, I feel utterly alone.

     Thank you to my friends and family who have listened to me, comforted me, and offered up support without judgement.  I love you, and I am greatful to have you in my life. 

    "How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these."
George Washington Carver

Thanks for listenin!