Eternal Life

"Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there.  I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there.  I did not die."

      -->Mary Elizabeth Frye

     This was the poem read at my father's memorial service.  These were the only words that came to mind for him.  It's pretty terrible that in all the years I have spent with my father and all of the memories I shared with him this was all I could come up with for his service.  I lost so much when he died.  Even though it sounds really cliche, he was my best friend.

     The first month and a half I was in Colorado dealing with his estate I kept dialing his number to talk with him about what happened.  It was just so natural for me to dial those numbers.  It wasn't until the 'send' button was pushed that I would realize I was calling him in vain.  You can't call the person you are mourning.  It just doesn't work that way.

     During that time I left his cremains in my car.  Part of me felt awful for leaving him out in the cold like that, but it was easier to tell people that my father was out in the car than to actually deal with my loss.  Really I still haven't dealt with it.  My time in Colorado was a constant fight to keep my emotions in check in order to get the business side of dad's estate and grandma's trust finished.  There were many, many bumps in the road. 
                 
                  Great Uncle Fred died 01/08/11 (grandma's older brother). 
                                       Grandma died 01/15/11. 
                                       Aunt Carol died 11/16/11 (dad's older sister). 
                                       Dad died 11/17/11. 

Part of me wonders if there was some kind of family curse. 
    


     A week before dad died he called and asked to send some money for B's birthday.  When I told him he didn't need to do that he told me that he wanted to because he wanted B to know that he loves him.  With all that B and I have been through, with everything that has happened...he loved my husband still.  Words cannot even describe what that means to me.  He was truely a remarkable man.  The kind that surprises people because his strength sneaks up on you.  He was the silent strength that you don't expect.
     Dad had a really difficult life.  My life looks like sunshine and rainbows compared to the life he lived and yet he never complained.  He never complained about his health, feelings, or how people treated him (which I have come to find out wasn't very good).  He just had a whole lot of love to give.  I really don't know how I am going to live my life without him in it.  Dad was a huge part of my life.

     There are no pictures of him with Izzy.  I guess that's what I get for being bad about taking pictures.  He and grandma were so proud of her.  They just loved her so much.  It breaks my heart knowing that she will never know how wonderful they were.  That is a true tragedy. 


     I scattered his ashes on January 29, 2012.  It is truely amazing how unstable emotions can make your body no matter how well you push down the emotions.  Carrying the ashes in the bag to the spot where I was going to spread them was quite difficult.  My legs felt like someone elses. 
     A friend of mine went with me and he is now where he wanted to be. 
     
     My only prayer is that he has finally found the peace that he deserves.


And me?  Maybe in time I will be okay.  But not today.


      B is doing really well.  Today he is more like the man I married.  There are some definite scars he bares, but he now treats me the way he used to...before the injuries and PTSD took over.  I am so proud of the progress he has made and the immense effort he puts into his everyday life.  He is a very special man, and I am blessed to call him my husband.  February 24, 2012 will be the last day of his Army career, but he will always be a Soldier.

     Somehow God will provide.


Thanks for listenin.

     

Have A Little Faith

"In You our fathers trusted; they trusted, and You delivered them.  To You they cried and were rescued; in You they trusted and were not put to shame."  -Psalm 22:4-5

     Six months ago, a very dear friend told me that she believes God is trying to teach me something.  She said that we had such an unwaivering streak of bad luck that she had to believe it wasn't just a coincidence, she had to believe that there was an incredible lesson in there somewhere.  At the time I was too full of anger, pain, resentment, and defeat to agree with her faith.  At the time I just kept asking God why?  Why would He say He loves us, but yet put us through such heartache?  I had decided that He was too busy to tend to my family. 
     I was wrong though.  I still may not understand His lessons, and I may not understand His plan, but I do know that I have come through these past two years a different person.  I know that God was there holding my hand the entire time, as He continues to do today.  Things that would have bothered me in the past-stupid, petty things that really have no purpose-now have absolutely no effect on me anymore.  Perhaps when you get hit with such a long list of issues, you eventually learn what you can and cannot deal with, or what you will or will not bother with.  And it is truely amazing how still in the midst of heartbreaking ordeals just one stresser being lifted can make a world of difference.
     B is doing so much better.  Whether the meds they put him on are the reason, or just his basic acceptance of his situation adjusted his attitude, I may never know, but I don't really care.  It is just so nice having peace at home.  This is not to make it seem as though he is at fault.  He suffered real trauma.  He has real brain damage.  He is a true Veteran, and he is a true hero.  He tries to convince me that I don't know what kind of a terrible person I am married to, and I will never know the awful things he was forced to do in Iraq, but I do know without a doubt, that those things he had to do saved lives.  He saved lives.  No matter how he views himself in the past, the future, or in this moment, I am so proud to be his wife.  I am so unbelieveably proud to call him my husband.  He has had a really tough year.  He is battling PTSD, dealing with TBI's, and living with other more serious health issues and he still tries every day to be a better person. 
     My dad is still not doing well, but my sister is trying to help him the best she can.  I know how stressed out she is because I have been there.  I remember all the ER visits with him, talking to the doctors, and trying to reason with dad all at once.  Those are all difficult to do, and I am so thankful that she is there and willing to help him this time.  Most people don't have to cross this path until much later in life, and I started with it at 16 years old.  But now, at 27 years old, my sister is trying to battle with dad to keep him out of a nursing home.  If he can't do what he needs to to stay alive, we will have to put him in a nursing home.  And when I say "we" I mean my sister.  It is hard for me, but not like it is for her.  That kind of situation is all encompassing when you are the one handling it first hand. 
     We finally have the money we needed to pay the deductible to get the car fixed since the last drunk driver hit us.  Work is good, our home life is boring (thank the Lord!), our daughter can sing the 'ABCs', and I trust in God. 
     Never did I think that with all that is still happening I would come out and say that "Life is GOOD!"  But you know what?  Life isn't perfect.  Life isn't what we always want it to be, but life is great!  Life is a blessing, and I don't think we fully learn to appreciate it until we have been through some major trials.  There are so many people out there who have seen far worse times than I ever hope to see, and I am just so thankful that I am alive and that I have such a blessed life!

     I have found peace.  At least for now, I have an undescribeable inner peace and I am so thankful for that. 

     So I guess that is all for now.  I'm going to get off of here, keep on livin' life, and keep on prayin'.  I'll pray for you too, if you need.  Just let me know, and you'll be in my prayers.

Thanks for listenin!

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."                    -Isaiah41:10

Country Fried

"Don't let rocks in your boots keep you from walking tall."

     Life sure is funny, isn't it?  I was working the other day and my neighbor from Colorado walked in.  After talking to him for a few minutes about his parents, he left.  My co-worker asked me who he is and that started in on a new conversation about my "old life."  Horses.  Apparently he never would have guessed that I was a serious horseback rider.  And now?  Nostalgia.  There are days when all I want to do is sit back, listen to country music, and day dream about riding.  After my run-in with the distant past, my dreams of riding have intensified. 
     I love my life.  Sure, we've had our ups and downs, but all in all...I have a really great life.  But having horses would be heaven on earth!  I'm sure B feels this way about fishing, hiking, and the outdoors in general. 

    B has leave coming up in July.  I'm trying to convince him to head up to my mom's place for a couple of weeks so he can have time to go fishing and hiking.  I know he'd have a great time.  He's thinking about waiting until September, but really...why can't he go both times?  Life is too short to miss out on good things when you have the time.  Time is something he hasn't had much of over the past 11 years.  Cross your fingers that I convince him to go.  They have a catfish pond, live off a river, near a reservoir loaded with fish, and they have a boat to launch.  Plus, they would love to spend some time with him. 

    Anywho...things are quiet here.  And it's FABULOUS! 

That's all for now.  Just a quick update.  See ya'll later!

Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

AWOL

     Yep, I went AWOL for a little while on here.  Lots has happened, and nothing has happened.  Just lots of...stuff.  Anyways, really I don't feel like getting into it all again.  I suppose I should let you all know that B and I are doing well so far since everything that happened this weekend.  But one thing I have learned about myself is when I am down and out, I feel so much better when I try to do something good for someone else.  So...I'm taking this link from Kacy. 

     This week has been a complete nightmare for this family, and I can't even begin to fathom the immense amount of pain they are feeling right now.  They have triplets and one of the babies wasn't breathing when Mel went in to check on the kiddos.  There was no heartbeat, but she started CPR anyways, and was able to get her little warrior's heart beating again.  Well, I'll let you read about their struggles this week, and the outcome, but be prepared.  A fund was set up in Owen's name (the little warrior) to help the family pay the medical bills from this horrible week, and to help pay for the services to come.  As soon as we get paid and figure out our finances for the month, we are going to donate whatever we can.  I can't imagine this kind of heartache.  My heart goes out to this family, and I will be praying for them.  The link for the fund is: Owen's Blog. 
     I just can't imagine how in this time of pain this family is continuing to have faith, and is trying to do whatever good they can for others. 

     Well, that's all for tonight.  Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me

S.O.S

"Learned helplessness is the giving-up reaction, the quitting response that follows from the belief that whatever you do doesn't matter." ~>Arnold Schwarzenegger

    Today I signed up with MilitaryOneSource.  I had no clue that they would do a counseling consultation over the phone.  Had I known this, I would have signed on months ago!  So for those of you military spouses who have little time to get into your primary care physician to get a counseling consult in order to begin counseling...look up MilitaryOneSource!  It was really easy.  Now I am set up for 11 counseling sessions with a counselor who has a background in what I am in need of, and her office is only three miles from my house. 
  
   My life has been quite the roller-coaster ride since we left Alaska.  Things weren't perfect after B came home from Iraq, but they sure as heck weren't this out-of-control.  One minute things are great and looking on the up-and-up.  Then I'm getting side-swiped by something upsetting.  This week was wonderful.  At least, I thought it was.  Then I find out from B that he had a good week, but I didn't.  So...I'm quite lost with that.  Apparently I have no motivation or a routine.  I feel like all I do is work, take care of Izzy, the house, the dogs, and everything else.  I wake up at 5:30 every morning, and do everything in the same order at the same time.  But...somehow that isn't a routine.  Yes, I do feel helpless because I have no clue what he is needing from me.  He continues to tell me that I need to find 'motivation' and a 'routine.'  Are you as confused as I am yet?

     Well, I certainly didn't mean to get into it that much, but this is why I am seeking counseling.  She also has a background in marriage counseling, so hopefully B will agree to come sometime in the future, but I'm not banking on it.  He is seeing several different types of doctors and has been since January-ish, so I don't want to make it seem like he isn't doing anything to better our situation.  And I have been told several times that it doesn't do as much good if only the person with PTSD has help, that family members need to have help as well.  I was also told a while ago that the man I married no-longer exists and I need to mourn the loss of my husband since he will never be 'that' person again.  Stubbornness has kept me from accepting this.  Still I refuse to believe that the kind, gentle, loving man I fell in love with doesn't exist, and will never return.  Flashbacks of that man come and go quick as a switch.  I don't expect him to be the same man that I married, but I do need and deserve a husband who treats me with respect and who loves me without a doubt.  Sometimes I know that he loves me, but more often than not, I wonder why he is still with me.  Is he still in love with me?  Or does he just keep me around so he can co-habitate with our daughter?  Those questions are just plain wrong. 

     Feelings of helplessness?  Yes.  But I still hang on to hope.  That seems to be all I have these days, and it's starting to dwindle.  Here's to hoping that this counselor can help me find myself again, and give me some insight into this nightmare we are living.

     Work is going really well.  I still love my co-workers/bosses.  They help me keep my sanity.  Starting next week I will be working full-time until the assistant manager returns from helping another store.  It will be so wonderful having a little extra money coming in!

     Tomorrow I have my first counseling appointment at noon.  Wish me luck!  And thanks for listenin!

"Always continue the climb.  It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it." ~>Ella Wheeler Wilcox 

Wonderful Me.

Catchin' Up

     No quotes for tonight.  Just me.  Just talkin.  It's been a bit since I last updated ya'll on how we're doing.
     B is doing much better this week.  We had one tough day, but really, who doesn't?  Otherwise, the man I married showed back up.  He helped me with housework, took care of Izzy while I was working, we went for a really nice drive (and had great timing with a firework show!!!)  Then we headed to the park with Izzy and one of our dogs.  He cooked us dinner a couple of times, and breakfast this morning!  Gah!  I love this man, and I have missed him terribly!  He has a doc appointment this week, and they may have a little more info about his Med-Boarding stuff.  I'll let ya'll know what we find out.

     I fixed the garbage disposal today.  B broke it this morning doing dishes.  He had the music up so loud he didn't realize that he left the disposal switch on, and....then it stopped working.  But me, the oh-so-handy Army Wife that I am, fixed it.  With the help of my momma. 

     Although our family has been doing really well this week, I do have some prayer requests if ya'll don't mind. 

    B came home the other day and said a soldier down here raped his 4 month old daughter and also gave her an STD.  I guess we're #1 in the country for sexual assualts on children.  Makes me sick.  But please, pray for that poor little girl.
    A friend of ours is due on Monday and she's miserable.  Pray for a healthy baby and healthy momma, and that the wee one comes SOON!
    And so many of our loved ones are deployed right now.  Pray for their safety and for their hearts while abroad.

    I came across this blog a few weeks ago.  Talk about a broken heart!  I cry everytime I read a post from her.  Reading her experiences has given me a new look on all of our recent struggles.  If you're ready for a good cry, head on over there.  She is the widow of a Marine who passed away over a year ago.  She just makes me want to try so much harder and just appreciate the fact that B is still here to fight with and to have tough times with.  Sometimes I just want to give her a big hug, and I don't even know her!

Thanks for listenin!

Wonderful Me

Food Stamps and Bed Time

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.  May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." ~>Unknown

     Man-oh-man are there a LOT of people on food stamps down here.  And it blows my mind because those who I would think would possibly need the help always pay cash or with a personal debit card.  Then I get these people about my age, who SEEM to be in perfect health....and they pay for their food items with a "Lonestar" card (aka, food stamps).  Now, I'm not pretending that I know their circumstances by any means, but it just seems like there are a whole lot of people using the system when they really might not need it.  And then there are those who actually DO need it, and they can't seem to get the help they need.  Come on, you and I both know that there are quite a few people out there who work the system so that they don't have to do any other kind of 'work.'  So I ask you why, in a city plentiful with jobs are there people who appear to be in better health than me living off food stamps?  And yes, you heard that right.  "A city plentiful with jobs..."  I have been told several times that there are many, many, many places hiring right now. But why would anyone get a job and earn $800 a month, when they can sit at home collecting $600 worth of food stamps instead?  I really have never understood how anyone with a conscience take, and take, and take when they CAN work.  Those who are ABLE to, but refuse?  Besides...I have always felt better when I have a job than when I don't.  I guess we are just two very different breeds of people.

     Izzy woke up this morning with a fever of 103.6.  I called in because I didn't know when B would be home from work, but he arrived back at home at 8:45 this morning, so I made it to work less than an hour late!  It was so great to be able to go in, and know that my two greatest loves were hanging out at home, taking a chill pill for a bit.  He has tomorrow off too, which works out perfectly (since she won't be going to Preschool until she is better) because I have work tomorrow from 8-2ish.  Her fever keeps spiking everytime one of her meds (motrin and tylenol) wears off.  If that continues tomorrow morning, B is going to run her in to the doctor to make sure it's not something more than a viral infection.  Then she'll have the whole weekend to R&R! 

     Things are great here!  We watched "How To Train Your Dragon" and it was really good!  Loved it!

Anyways, that's about all I have to say at the moment.  Ya'll take care now!

"Every human has four endowments-self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination.  These give us the ultimate human freedom...The power to choose, to respond, to change." ~>Stephan R. Covey   

Thanks for listenin'!

Wonderful Me